Empty Morning

 Oh the joy of waking up and not having anything. The first thought of the day is "Why did I do all I had last night?" Followed quickly by "wonder if anyone is awake that can sell a few?" Then a long line of useless calls to phones that don't get answered by happily sleeping and perfectly drugged up friends. So the cure for not having any is to take the strongest sleeping pill, umm pills, I have. Then falling blissfully back to dream land. Putting of again anything till I can get my fix so I will be able to face the day.
 So yes I love my drugs! They are my back bone, my support. They are my chain of bondage. They are my good and my evil. My love. My enemy. My murder weapon. And who is in my sight? ME! And I enjoy it very much. They are my best friend. They are there with me through good and bad. They make me happy. They make me sick. And all I say is "Hell ya! Give me some more." and "Lets do it again."
 So maybe today I will think of tomorrow and be spared the useless lack again in the morning. That is if I am lucky enough to see the morning.

Morning realities.

 After most good nights there is one thing thats the same. Morning. Happy that I have the chance to see the morning. There were so many nights that the next morning was questionable. Will I still be alive to see the sun again? But the sight of the new day leads to many questions, how will I make it through today? Will I be sick and unable to function? Will I have the money to buy what I need. Will there be anyone to help or to take advantage of to get what my body needs? Seems like the most scary thought is being without. Oh the things I would do to get just one. The friends it takes to to make it in this dog eat dog world of small town drug addiction. Oh and did I mention that I hate people so all day I have to be this fake made up person. My entire friend list on my phone is people that I would never have met or been friends with if it wasn't what they could do for me or what I could get from them. But how many of them would be there for me if I needed help and how many of them would I help if they needed it. But the answer to that question is another question what do they have or will they have that I want and is helping them worth what they have to share? Sounds kinda mean. But that is how it is everyone is doing it to everyone including me. I take it. I give it. All with a fake smile. But who every wears thier fake smile the most believably wins. And I kick ass at being fake. Who am I? I don't even remember her.

Oh to be in Love.

 Oh to be in love with something thats goal is to kill you and destroy your life. But now to learn how to live without it. Just take it a day at a time most pro's would say. But I cant even make it a minute without the  uncontrolable even almost proverse deep needs that cant be denied. How far will I go to get the happiness. But I guess the question is how far will I go to avoid the undeniable true happiness. Will I chose happiness and death or saddness and life? Which way do I go? I know I cant change my feelings but maybe I will have it all. Have good times and live to tell all about it. That is if I can remember any of it when its all said and done.